New in town? Building a social life as an adult in an Australian city

Moving to a new city as an adult is one of the few times in life when your social circle genuinely goes to zero. No colleagues you like yet, no friends-of-friends, no regular pub. It is harder than it was at twenty, because the structures that made friends for you then (study, share houses, nothing to do on a Tuesday) are gone. It is also entirely fixable, and the people who fix it fastest do roughly the same things. This is the plan.

The principle: repetition, not events

Friendship is made by seeing the same people repeatedly in a low-pressure setting. Research on this puts the number at about fifty hours to make a casual friend and two hundred for a close one. One big night out does nothing; a weekly thing done for three months does everything. So the plan below is built on repeat contact, and the single rule is: pick things you will go back to.

Days 1 to 30: get three repeating things

One weekly activity with the same people. A sport (social touch, run club, climbing), a class (language, pottery, cooking), a volunteer shift, a choir. Meetup, the council's community listings and the noticeboard at your nearest gym have dozens in every capital. The activity matters less than the fact that it is weekly and the faces are the same.

One room you become a regular in. A bar, a cafe, a restaurant counter, within walking distance, visited at the same time each week. Staff learn your name by the third visit; regulars by the fifth. This is the oldest social technology there is and it still works.

One online community that is awake in the evenings. For the nights you are in, and for finding out what is on. The LuXeel Community is free to join and has a group for each city where people post what they are doing tonight; it is also where the city's creators, venues and events announce themselves. Join your city's group and introduce yourself in one line.

Days 31 to 60: turn contact into plans

By now you have faces. The step most people miss is the next one: suggesting something.

• Suggest the smallest thing. "A few of us are getting a drink after, come?" Not dinner; a drink. Not Saturday; after the thing you are already at.
• Say yes to everything for these thirty days, even when you are tired. The invitations stop coming to people who decline.
• Host something tiny. Four people, your place or a bar, nothing elaborate. Hosting marks you as someone who makes things happen, and it is remembered.
• Follow up within a day. A message after a good evening ("that was fun, same next week?") is the whole difference between an acquaintance and a friend.
• Go out alone sometimes. Our guide to meeting people nearby tonight covers where in each city that is normal and how to do it.

Days 61 to 90: deepen two or three

Not everyone you have met will become a friend, and it is no use trying. Pick the two or three people whose company you most enjoy and spend more time with them: a longer dinner, a day trip, something that takes effort. These are the ones who will introduce you to their friends, and that is when the circle starts to grow on its own.

The adult-life part

A guide for grown-ups should say the thing most guides avoid: a social life includes romance and intimacy for most people, and moving cities resets those too.

• Dating apps work for a date with a stranger and are where most couples now meet. Use them as a tool, not a pastime.
• The same groups and rooms that make friends make relationships, more slowly and more durably.
• Paid companionship is lawful in most of Australia and some people, in the first lonely months of a new city, choose a dinner companion for an evening out. It is a service with clear terms, not a shortcut to a relationship; our honest comparison with dating apps sets out what it is and is not.

City by city

• Sydney. Big, spread out, cliquey by reputation and much friendlier in practice if you commit to one area. Pick a village (Surry Hills, Newtown, Manly, Balmain) and be a regular there. Sydney on LuXeel.
• Melbourne. The easiest capital to make friends in: a culture of small bars, clubs for everything, and people who go out on weeknights. Join something in Fitzroy, Brunswick or the inner south and go every week. Melbourne on LuXeel.
• Brisbane. Warm, outdoor, early-to-bed. Social sport, river and park events and Sunday sessions do most of the work; the Valley and New Farm for nights. Brisbane on LuXeel.
• Perth. Isolated and tight-knit; harder to break into, loyal once you have. Beach and outdoor groups, the Mount Lawley and Leederville bar scene, and Fremantle on weekends. Perth on LuXeel.

The checklist

1. One weekly activity, one regular room, one online community: all in the first month.
2. Say yes to everything in the second month; suggest the smallest things; host once.
3. Deepen two or three friendships in the third month.
4. Follow up within a day, every time.
5. Expect it to take ninety days, and notice at sixty that it is working.

Talk to people in SydneyThe free Sydney chat room — read along, join free to chat. → Talk to people in MelbourneThe free Melbourne chat room — read along, join free to chat. → Talk to people in BrisbaneThe free Brisbane chat room — read along, join free to chat. → Talk to people in PerthThe free Perth chat room — read along, join free to chat. →